SWEEEEEEET CAROLINE (da da da!) GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOOOOOODDD 

dear neighbor,

please come home soon. I am in pain. my throat is not meant for four straight days of “FuN SiNgInG PLAYlist!!!1”

love,

girl who lives next to you who politely refrains from music when you are home since our walls are thinnish

I’m very sleepy 

but I don’t want to go to bed because I’m having a fun party by myself in which I play Meat Loaf really loudly & make exaggerated moaning noises while eating bowl after bowl of delicious salad and shooting apple juice into my mouth with a syringe

these are the exciting things I do when the neighbor is not home & I thus have no one to disturb. I kind of miss her, a little bit. there is only so long you can lead a life of gluttony & overindulgence before it all gets a bit old, you know? I hope she gets back from her trip soon, whereever it is she went.

OMG, neighbor, it is 12:22am, why are you on the front porch talking on the phone? 

Some of us, like ME, have to go to bed because we have busy days tomorrow, full of things like:

• masturbating
• visiting a Tumblr friend to photograph chickens and dogs and bunnies and cats and girl rats
• watching 30 Rock because we thought that the season finale was three weeks ago & we thus missed three episodes
• worrying about our favorite couple breaking up on the season finale of Glee
• rat cuddling
• apple juice drinking
• eating copious amounts of ice cream

So some of us, like YOU, should go to bed. or at least talk a little quieter, because these windows are very thin.

So, the Craig’s List girl came & picked up the desk today. 

• and she brought her cute roommate & I got to sit & talk to them while they took the desk apart & EVERYTHING WAS SO FRIENDLY & IT FELT LIKE WE WERE ALL FRIENDS & I JUST WANTED TO KIDNAP THEM
• when we were loading the desk into her van, the neighbor came out & cheerily went “HI!!!!” & started waving & we all replied “HI!” & waved back before realizing she was talking to someone at the house next door.
• I had to follow them to their apartment with part of the desk that wouldn’t fit in their van & I considered running into their car, just lightly, so that we’d have to stay in contact to deal with insurance & repairs & whatnot & maybe during that time frame, we could become friends
• I then realized several things: a.) it is disturbing that my mind would immediately go to hitting someone’s car in order to continue a relationship with them | b.) it is very sad that the only way I know how to make friends is to hit them with my car | c.) I love my car too much to intentionally damage it
• when I pulled into my driveway, it was raining & there were Mormons biking by & UNF they were all wet & covered up with their little Mormon suit things & I had to sit in the car until they passed by so that I didn’t run up to them screaming about how I had a Mormon fetish & maybe if they came inside I could dry them off.

You know how sometimes you’ll feel on yourself by accident? Like, it’s not really masturbating, you’re not even paying attention, so you’re not getting anything out of it, it’s just like humming or tapping your foot, except you are groping yourself.

I was just doing that & then I looked outside & the neighbor is standing right outside my window with some lady I’ve never seen before AND A BABY.

GUYS, Y’ALL ARE CRAMPING MY STYLE. I am going to need you to at least move the infant so that I’m not being all creepy & subconsciously touching myself ten feet away from a baby.

do you ever make moaning noises by accident & you find it funny so you start making a series of over-exaggerated sex noises while trying not to burst into laughter? 

Yeah, just a tip….don’t do this while opening your front door if there’s a chance your neighbor’s sitting on your shared front porch.

The next time the neighbor keeps me up all night talking on the phone on the front porch, I’m sending her a bill for all the shit I order off the internet. 

Apparently, I can’t stay up past my bedtime without ordering myself frivolous items. It looks like the only thing I actually purchased was a pair of $8 sunglasses (great, because I definitely need a 4th pair of sunglasses when I only wear them five or six times a year!), but I found a Notepad file (saved at 3:21am) on my desktop entitled “HeY GIRL buy this stuff tomorrow” that contained links to the following:

• three pleather bomber jackets
• seven large owl necklaces
• a pair of $80 men’s bright red chinos
• the entire Game of Thrones book series
• a life jacket for a dog [I wrote “FOR PIG!!!!!!” in parenthesis after this one, so at least I know it was for my mom’s Jack Russell & not for a dog I was also planning on purchasing]

She really needs to get her own house so she has her own front porch & can sit on the phone for as many hours as she likes without causing others to spend money on things they don’t need.

The neighbor is standing outside talking on the phone & it’s so creepy because she just keeps walking by & I’m sitting right by the window, so I don’t know if it’s acceptable to stare out at her or if I should just look straight ahead & pretend I don’t notice her. 

My method of dealing with anxiety is to pretend like no one can see me.

This is extremely effective in that I rarely feel anxiety any more, but has the unfortunate result of causing me to forget that I’m not actually wearing an invisibility cloak.

I just stood at the window for an uncomfortably long time watching my neighbor chatting with her boyfriend on the back porch. It didn’t occur to me that they could see me until I realized that they were not staring puzzledly at my window, they were staring puzzledly at me standing at the window watching them as if they were a television program.

oh, never mind. that wasn’t the usual neighbor.

That was a middle-aged woman who lives in the house behind me. Don’t believe I’ve ever spoken to her before.

CONGRATS, NEIGHBOR, YOU JUST LOST YOUR AWKWARDENCOUNTERSWITHTHENEIGHBOR VIRGINITY.